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Charlie Hatton
Watertown, MA
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Hey, folks. Let's try something, here.
Let's pretend that this entry was really posted yesterday, on Sunday, the way that I'm back-dating it to seem. I don't feel so bad posting an 'update' sort of post on the weekend, but I try to stay away from that sort of thing during the work week. Some of you people have soulsucking, grueling cubicle jobs, and you need any entertainment this meager site might provide. I understand that -- hell, I live that -- so let's pretend we're still basking in a tubful of steamy Sunday goodness, okay?
(Unless that 'steamy tub of goodness' thing has csome sort of freaky sexual connotation for you -- I'm not here to feed your fantasies, bub. I'm just the monkey hired to make you laugh; keep it in yer pants, there, mister.)
While we're at it, let's also pretend that the show clips I just posted, from the 1st and 3rd of this month, were finished a few days ago. Let's just gloss over the fact that it took me a week-plus to manage to get those things online.
(And then, let's pretend that I learned my lesson and also put the clip from Saturday's comedy extravaganza on the site, too. I didn't, of course -- but we're pretending now. Anything is possible, when you use your imagination, kids. It's like magic!)
Now, let's all pretend that I'm actually saying something witty here in this paragraph. It's probably just a little bit dirty, too. Maybe it involves taxidermy, or carny folk, or banana cream pie. And then, maybe there's some witty punchline that starts with: 'That's when I realized that it wasn't a 'sock puppet', after all ...' Good, good. Now pretend you're snorting coffee all over your monitor. Excellent. This is going swimmingly.
Next, let's pretend that the search function on the site was working all along. Let's forget, just for a moment, that it broke two or three weeks ago, and that I never mentioned that it was down, or that I finally fixed it last week. Just close your eyes and visualize a working search box, where your requests for entries containing the words 'tasticles', or 'craptastic', or 'douchebaggery' are promptly and correctly served. Ah, what a wonderful world we pretend to live in!
And since we're already ass-deep in la-la land, let's also pretend that I'm making some sort of biting, insightful social commentary right now. I never do any of that shit, but maybe just this once I've found a way to tie steroids in baseball to rising gas prices. Or blame the pope's death on Michael Jackson's trial. Humorously, of course. And tastefully, too.
(Hey, if we're going to use our imaginations, we might as well go 'full monty' with that bad boy, right? You may never see 'tasteful' around here, but dammit, you can dream it.)
Okay, that's probably enough make-believe for now. I think I may have taxed you with that last bit -- I smell some smoke coming from the direction of your ears. We'll stop now -- just breathe, and relax, and slowly make your way back to reality. It's Monday morning. You're at work. It's okay now. The tasteful sock puppets and the carny workers covered in banana cream are all gone now. Breathe it out.
On the other hand, I like that pretend world. You can stay here in your cubicle if you want, but I'm going back in. Screw Monday, man. Calgon, take me awaaaaaay!
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'And since we're already ass-deep in la-la land, let's also pretend that I'm making some sort of biting, insightful social commentary right now.'
I'm pretty sure you covered that biting, insightful social commentary in your post on the Popes incredibly expensive boob job.
And, I could be wrong, but doesn't a 'steamy tub of goodness' hold a freaky sexual connation for everyone? I mean, what world do you live in that you don't hear 'steamy tub of goodness' and not think of well... something steamy by the tub load?
You make me laugh so much, I really, really wish you'd come do a show in OKC.
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Very nice. Insightful, even! Please pretend that I am leaving an incredibly snarky but oh-so-wise comment here. One that you find yourself coming back to three or four times a day. :-)