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Charlie Hatton
Watertown, MA
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I know how I'm going to die.
You can't imagine what a load off my mind this is. No more uncertainty, or wondering, or worrying -- now, I can just sit back, relax, and wait for the inevitable to eventually happen. And I know exactly how it's going to happen. Hey, lucky me!
And that's not all. No, not by a longshot. I also know at what time I'm going to die, within an hour or two -- it'll be mid-morning, somewhere between about eight and ten am. And I know that I'm going to be alone. And I'm going to be naked. That's right -- all alone, without a stitch of clothing on. Just the way I came into this world, except I'm hairier now.
(Though some people would tell you my head's just as soft... hey, fuck them, man. Nobody asked them, anyway. Buncha assbags.)
What's more, I even know where I'm gonna bite the big one. It'll be in my upstairs bathroom. That's where they'll find me, in the afternoon or next day -- naked in my bathroom, cold and dead and hairy. I just hope I'm... er, represented well. Does rigor mortis cause shrinkage? I'd better check on that. That would be embarrassing, even post mortem.
So, how do I know all of these details about my impending demise? Well, it's quite simple, really. It's just a matter of putting two and two together. Here are the important facts:
I suppose if I'm lucky, I'll just get a mouthful of that lavender-freesia shit that my wife rubs on her hands. That might not kill me, at least. Though I'd probably wish I were dead, if I had to walk around with that taste in my mouth all day. Nobody likes a guy whose breath smells like a grandma, you know. And I don't mean a grandma's breath; I mean a all-over, rubbed-down, full-body grandma.
(I don't even know what grandma's breath would smell like, anyway. Applesauce and aspirin? Marmalade preserves? Vodka and pills and chocolate chip cookies? Dunno. I love my granny and all, but it's been a while since I got any tongue. A long while, indeed.)
So, there it is -- the story of my death, before the actual dying. I know the how, and the where, and even the attire, or lack thereof -- I just don't know exactly when it's going to happen. But if you don't hear from me for a couple of days, could you send somebody over to check the bathroom, please? Don't leave me there too long, with the foamy mouth and the blue lips and the cold water running in the sink. Oh, and one more thing -- try to ignore the fact that I'll be naked, and resist the urge to 'sneak a peek'. I'm sure there's gonna be some shrinkage -- yeah, 'shrinkage'; that's what it is -- and I'd like to go out with as much dignity as a naked, dripping, addled dead guy can.
Hmmm. Yeah, that doesn't sound so good, does it? Shit. Maybe I'll start brushing my teeth with my boxers on, just in case. That's one less thing I'll have to worry about, anyway.
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Yeah, dude. What TJ said! What are you, some kinda momma's boy wimpy ass? Dang, daddy. Show a little backbone will ya.
Unless it's that Tilex shit. In which case you have my permission to whine like a litle girl. That stuff'll kill you even when using properly!
(Did I actually use the word "stuff'll"? Jeezy Chreezy! That oughtta impress your readers, eh?)
(Did I actually follow up the word "stuff'll" with the word "oughtta"? Holy Hanna! When is that remedial English class again?)
(Am I really going on and on and on in your comments here? Good grief! Although it does remind me of someone. Who can it be? Oh yeah, now I remember. It's you!)
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oh quit yer bitchin'. a little mouthful of drano never killed anybody. it's not like you're swallowing it, you're just rinsing and gargling. sheesh. you big whiner.