Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
Site Search:
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

#91. I am an only child. (Explains a lot, doesn't it?)

Yes, folks, there's nothing like a complete lack of companionship with your peers during the first few formative years of life to permanently skew your outlook on yourself, the world, and everything around you. The questionable social skills, the extreme skepticism and cynical bent, that creepy awkward feeling of not quite beloning in your own skin, the constantly running internal dialogue, the mistrust of authority figures, and an unhealthy fear of disappointing yourself and others -- it's all here. Really, I'd recommend it to anyone. Anyone with a strong stomach and the sense of humor to pull it off, that is. Nobody likes an antisocial hermit bitch or a clingy, whiny doormat, you know. It's a very fine line to walk.

But on most days, I think I manage to pull it off. Sometimes, people even tell me that I don't seem like an only child.

Which I'm not quite sure how to take, frankly -- what do you say to someone who's just questioned something that's so basic to who you are? 'Funny, you don't act like you're black.' 'Gee, are you sure you're a woman?' 'German, my ass. You ain't no German.' I think people (generally) mean the comment as a compliment (the only child one; not necessarily the other examples), but it's a backhanded, bitch-slap compliment at best, isn't it? Really, it's saying this:

'Hey, I think only children are whiny, selfish, antisocial bastards. But I never thought of you that way. Until now, of course. Now I'll keep my eye on you, and notice all the weird crap that I let you slide on, because I assumed you had siblings. So you better keep your fucking nose clean. Freakbag.'

Or maybe that's just my cynical side showing again. Whatever. Anyway, I'm glad I'm an only child. I didn't have to deal with all the 'he said, she said' sibling crap that a lot of people go through. Nobody ever snuck their hand onto 'my side' of the car seat, or took the Pop-Tart that Mom promised to me, or peed in my sippy cup out of spite.

(Of course, I've had to learn to deal with all of things now that I'm married. Well, okay, not all of them, of course. We always have plenty of Pop-Tarts.)

And I like to think that I didn't end up 'spoiled', either, despite my grandparents' best efforts. Frankly, I think it's just the opposite, if anything. I hated people paying attention to me, or fawning over me in any way. I still do. (Okay, this blog and anything else I write or things that I say to try and be funny notwithstanding. These are complicated rules, I admit, but that's just how it is. Deal.) I tell very few people about my birthday, for instance, lest I have to deal with presents and fuss and bother that I feel I don't deserve. (Yes, I'm a tragic little waif when you get right down to it. Boo fuckin' hoo.)

But in 'normal' situations -- work, home life, parties, and the like -- I think I cope pretty well. Almost no one can see that I don't know what to do with my hands, or that I'd rather be sitting in a corner instead of standing around talking to a half dozen people at once, or that I'm really thinking about baseball. Or, lately, how I can turn the wretched experience into something worth blogging about. Most people who don't know me well just think I'm a quiet, polite sort -- I often remind older ladies of their sons and nephews. Others who know me a little better probably see me as a cutup, always cracking jokes and trying to make them giggle, until strangers come around and I mysteriously shut my piehole. It's the rare person indeed who sees past all that to whatever's underneath, covered in cobwebs and dust and pickle juice (really, I don't know how the hell that got there). Maybe only my wife sees it, and that's just peachy with me. (Though it probably scares the bejeesus out of her. Sorry, hon -- it did say 'in sickness and in health; for better or for worse'. And you can't get much worsely sicker than this.)

But perhaps I'm not fooling anyone. Maybe those first few years alone have left me unable to accurately read people, and they all know who I really am. Again, that's just fine -- as long as they don't let on, or start hugging me or singing 'Happy Birthday' or 'For He's a Jolly Good Fellow'. (Which, if they really know, they're overwhelmingly unlikely to do. Run a car over me, perhaps. Sing to me? No. Not likely.)

In any case, I think I've 'made it'. I have a wonderful, beautiful wife who puts up with my near-constant occasional meanderings and phobias, I've met a few people who agreed to drop their lawsuits friends along the way, and I am everyday reliving the horrors of survived my awkward years growing up. So I'd say that I've been quite successful as an only child, no matter what you may think of them. And after it all, I wouldn't change a thing.

(At least, that's what the voices tell me I should think. And I can't argue with them. When they get mad, they sing to me. Lousy bastard voices. Who invited them, anyway?)

Post a comment

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Science:
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Me on Baseball:
  Bugs & Cranks


Me on Apartments:
  Author Page


Three Wee Tweets:
Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Archives
Full Archive

Archive by Date

Archive by Category


Plugs, Shameless
Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Listed on BlogShares

Top Blogs

 

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved