Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
Site Search:
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

« Alzheimer's for Algernon | Main | Three Prongs for a Doctor »

More Grammar, Charlie-Style

One of the posts I had the most fun writing -- and one I often use in my standup act -- was written two years ago this month. It listed helpful ways to remember grammar lessons (and spelling rules, as was pointed out by a commenter).

"Am I out there, spelling words like 'heinous' and 'deceived' and 'sex fiend' seventeen times a day?"

I've decided it's time to revisit the idea, and to add a few more lessons to the primer. First, a bit of background to catch you up:

I realized a while back that, after years of English and grammar classes in grade school, high school, and college, I could only recall one lesson on the subject. It's the rule of:

'I' before 'e'
Except after 'c',
Or when sounding like 'a',
As in 'neighbor' and 'weigh'.

And it made me wonder -- why do I remember that, and nothing else? Am I out there, spelling words like 'heinous' and 'deceived' and 'sex fiend' seventeen times a day? No. Of course not.

I mean, I haven't written a personal ad in years. So that can't be it.

I decided it was because it rhymes. I've heard that it's easier for people to remember shit that rhymes. And that's when it hit me -- why not learn all our grammar lessons that way, so we'll remember them all? Simple!

So, I tested the theory. I came up with mnemonics like:

'There's no room for 'of'
In 'I could of been rich.'
The correct word is have,
You ignorant bitch.'

See? I could remember that, I think. So I kept working, and produced more like:

'Don't use 'their' with an 'i'
When you mean 'they are', or 'there'.
If you keep that shit up,
I'll dip your nethers in Nair.'

Small words, clear message -- you could teach that to a four-year-old. I'm just trying to give back, here.

And now, two years later, I'm ready to give more. So here are a few more ditties to help you learn 'Grammar, Charlie-Style':

'A lot's not one word,
Unless there are things being alloted.
Keep using alot to mean 'many'
And you'll end up garroted.'

Nice talk. Let's try another:

'If you don't know that excepted
Means 'left out' or 'not included';
It will be widely accepted
That your dumb ass is deluded.'

Now we're rolling. Play it again:

'You should say, 'I'm not well'
Instead of, 'I don't feel good'.
The medics might leave you to die,
If you're misunderstood.'

And one more for the road:

'Many grammatical errors
May be excused or forgotten;
But I'll bitchslap your punk ass
Next time you claim, 'It has been broughten!''

Whoops, there's the bell. Single-file out the door, kids. I'll see you back here in another two years or so. Class dismissed!





Permalink | Comments (5)






Comments

Oh Charlie, that grammar one was my favourite post EVER! And now there's another, and just as fun, lucky me.

Hah! The concept of medics leaving someone to die due to their poor grammar fills me with a shining light. Keep up the good work, young man.

Am I the only bastard commenting these days? For SHAME, other lurkers. For shame... I'd e-bitchslap yas if only I could catch you.

Have you heard a grammar school ditty from the early 1900's that starts with:

"The rule of three, it puzzles me.
Declension drives me wild"

I need the last two lines.

This is hilarious! You need to do one for the people who write "it's" for the possessive. Maybe something like:

Only write "it's" if you mean "it is"
If you mean something belongs to "it"
It's simply "its"
Get it right you stupid shit.

Okay, I'll leave the grammar poetry to you!

I enjoyed reading this

Post a comment

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Science:
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Me on Baseball:
  Bugs & Cranks


Me on Apartments:
  Author Page


Three Wee Tweets:
Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers (70)
A Doofus Is Me (203)
Articles 'n' Zines (74)
Audience Participation (35)
Awkward Conversations (176)
Bits About Blogging (168)
Bitter Old Man Rants (50)
Blasts from My Past (78)
Cars 'n' Drivers (60)
Dog Drivel (78)
Eek!Cards (267)
Foodstuff Fluff (116)
Fun with Words! (71)
Googlicious! (27)
Grooming Gaffes (88)
Just Life (238)
Loopy Lists (33)
Making Fun of Jerks (59)
Marketing Weenies (66)
Married and a Moron (185)
Miscellaneous Nonsense (62)
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig (84)
Sleep, and Lack Thereof (34)
TV & Movies & Games, O My! (101)
Tales from the Stage (74)
Tasty Beverages (29)
The Happy Homeowner (81)
Vacations 'n' Holidays (134)
Weird for the Sake of Weird (71)
Whither the Weather (40)
Wicked Pissah Bahstan (49)
Wide World o' Sports (124)
Work, Work, Work (206)

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Listed on BlogShares

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved