All right, folks. It's the first of the month, and you know what that means.
No. No, it's not when I give you your paycheck.
No, I'm not coming over to turn your damned calendar.
And no, it's not 'complimentary reader massage' night, either.
Okay, so apparently, you don't know what the first of the month means. How about I just tell you, so I don't have to sit here all night shooting down your ridiculous ideas. Honestly, if we keep this up much longer, it won't be the fricking first any longer. Jeez.
So, here's what the first -- and the fifteenth -- of the month is all about these days: here, at ye olde blog site, you get my last contribution to the online ezine Zoiks!. You won't find it there any more, so you can find it here -- think of it as a creative and lazy 'drivel recycling' program.
Meanwhile, if you head your badass self on over to Zoiks! right now, you'll find my current piece -- along with a half dozen or so yuk-laden columns by other folks, too. There's no losing in this little game, people. It's all good.
So, hop on over to Zoiks! and check out the latest issue. And then come back and check out what you may have missed below. Or vice versa -- whichever. I can't tell you people how to run your lives.
In this exciting makeover extravaganza, we give a team of plastic surgeons a van, a bottle of ether, and one mission: endow, endow, endow! They'll roam the city, looking for flat-chested women to 'enhance'. Watch as the docs scope out their patients -- "Look, 'A' cups! Grab her!" Then, they'll pull her into the van, put her under, and kick her back to the curb with a fabulous new set of double-D's! That's 'Ambush Boobjob', where our motto is: "We make mountains out of molehills... whether you like it or not!"
Basically like American Idol, except that the contestants sing traditional Armenian folk songs, and are judged by famous Armenian-Americans Andre Agassi, Cher, and... um, yeah. We could only find two, actually. We can always use Paula Abdul for this show, too -- it's not like she's got anything else going on. And she'll be as hairy as the female contestants, so they'll be put at ease. Nice touch.
Every week, a new woman goes out on blind dates with three men. And a taser. Watch, laugh, and learn as the guys forget to bring flowers. *bzzzzttt!* Or fail to open the car door. *zzzzzzap!* Or try to 'get French', after he suggests they 'go Dutch'. *ssssszzzzzzzztttttttt!!* At the end of the show, the gal picks her favorite fella, who gets to choose between a second date and a trip to the local burn ward. Fun for the whole family!
Last Comic Starving:
A 'true' reality show, this one follows the lives of ten standups without day jobs, as they compete for gigs, auditions... and sandwiches. Only one will be able to scrounge enough cash together to buy groceries; the rest will either take up panhandling, or give up completely and settle into soul-sucking mindless entry-level jobs. Who'll be playing to packed houses, and who'll end up delivering packages for a living? Tune in to find out!
My Big Fat Obnoxious Television Actress:
In this spin-off, we follow the trials, tribulations, and -- most importantly -- tantrums of a formerly-famous actress, as she attempts to claw her way back into the limelight. We'll find the most belligerent, heinous, loudmouthed... oh. Wait. They already tried this one with Roseanne. Eh, I can't top that. Never mind.
Pimp My Bride:
Still in the concept phase, this show could go one of two routes. In one scenario, we'll allow prospective husbands to compete for glamorous upgrades for their blushing brides-to-be -- facelifts, tummy tucks, nose jobs, and the like. Sort of like 'The Swan', for the already roped-in crowd. If we go the other way, you'll see husbands pimp out their new wives for cash and prizes. Either way, it'll be the most uncomfortable, gratuitously shocking show since... well, basically, since 'The Swan'. Or that 'NYPD Blue' with Dennis Franz' butt. Keep an eye out for the pilot.
Queer Eye for the Street Guy:
Just because you're wearing rags and living in a box doesn't mean you can't be fabulous! Our dream team of light-loafered fashionistas take one homeless person each week, and transform their clothes, lean-tos, and shopping carts into stylish, modern wonders. Watch to see the guys work magic with burlap, turn paper bags into treasured decorations -- and you won't believe the substances that can be used as 'product', in a pinch. See hoboes go faboo, and get in on the ground floor of 'urchin chic'. It'll sweep the nation, one back alley at a time!
The Real M.A.S.H.:
First, it was 'The Real Beverly Hillbillies'. Then, 'The Real Gilligan's Island'. Why not bring back the most popular thirty-year-old T.V. show of all? We've dragged ten contestants off to Korea, where they'll spend twelve tumultuous weeks dodging bullets, sewing people back together, and competing for fabulous prizes! And we've even gotten Jamie Farr, the original Sergeant Klinger, to host... because really, what the hell else has he done since 1983?
The Real World: Guantanamo:
This is the true story -- 'Truu-uuuee sto-ray!' -- of seven strangers, picked to live in a tiny cell and have all records of their lives erased from all official records. Find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting... well, we're not sure, frankly. The military won't let our cameras in -- but we're working on it. Maybe in time for fall sweeps.
The Simpleton Life:
In the original, the cameras followed Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie around a farm. In the sequel, we watched Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie negotiate small-town life. Now, we watch Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie in their everyday lives, as they struggle to calculate tips, negotiate a map, and program their VCRs. Ah, who are we kidding? They've got people to do all of that for them. Lousy bitches.
Forget the barren outback or a mosquito-ridden jungle. Let's see what sort of alliances form when we drop teams of wide-eyed tourists off in the middle of the borough. Cabs only big enough for two people, subways heading every which direction, challenges involving walking down long, dary alleys -- will competition reign, or will the survival instinct kick in? And if it gets boring, will we walk them over to Harlem to spice things up? There's only one way to find out!
Temptation Island: Greenland:
Sure, it's more interesting with the skimpy clothes and hot, sweaty nights. But if these people can create sparks through sub-zero temperatures and six layers of parkas, that's worth watching! Will they 'play it cool', or risk a bout of hypothermia for a roll in the permafrost? Only time -- and emergency treatments for frostbite of the extremities -- will tell.