Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes
Site Search:

#61. I'm very competitive, and take challenges -- especially from inanimate objects -- personally.

And yes, if you're unfamiliar with the concept, inanimate objects can throw down a challenge. Really, for the most part, they're snotty little bastards. Something about not actually being living that pisses 'em off, I guess; I don't really know. All I know is that more than once, the computer decides to try to make me its bitch, or my contact lens will force me into a game of hide and seek, or the pen I'm using will suddenly stop working for no apparent reason. You know, just for a laugh.

These are the battles I simply must win. Somebody has to show these bastards who's boss. And I keep hoping that a good humiliating victory -- meaning a rebooted and conciliatory computer, a found contact, or a horribly bent and pounded but now-writing pen -- will teach them the error of their ways, and I can go back to just fighting with other people, and the little flying critters that try to take over our house in the summertime. Oh, and video games. Yes, I know they're inanimate, too, but they don't count. My blog, my rules. Nyah.

But alas, these bitchy little nuisances never seem to get the message. The sidewalk still cracks in just the right way to trip me, and the squeeze bottle of mayonnaise still won't give up any of its contents, even though I can see that it's not empty, damn the little pecker. And the TV remote still hides from me just when I need it most. Like when American Idol Junior is coming on, or Everybody Loves Raymond. Frickin' bastard!

Of course, in the end, I always win. Always. For one thing, I'm persistent. And I'm crafty, and have these cool opposable thumbs to help me persuade most objects to bend to my will. But most of all, it's because I count 'total functional annihilation' as a victory. Maybe I don't get what I want out of something, but as long as it's not around to gloat about it, I win. It's very satisfying, and my unbeaten streak goes back for years. On the other hand, we do go through a hell of a lot of mayonnaise bottles. Even unmitigated success has its price, I suppose.

Post a comment

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Science:
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Me on Baseball:
  Bugs & Cranks

Me on Apartments:
  Author Page

Three Wee Tweets:
Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Full Archive

Archive by Date

Archive by Category

Plugs, Shameless
Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass



Blogging Fusion Blog Directory


Listed on BlogShares

Top Blogs


Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved