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Zolton's Facebook Follies: Too Uncool for School

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

Children. Teachers. Parents.

These are but a few of the people who would be utterly horrified to find out I was going back to school this fall. Luckily, the nation's schoolhouse halls and cafeterias and basement detention dungeons are once again safe. I have about as much chance of enrolling for classes as Cleatus Spuckler has of becoming a Harvard Law professor.

(That shit might fly at Brown. But not at Big H, brother.)

Still, 'tis the schooling season, so I decided to try out a few back-to-school supplies. Of course, I couldn't very well post reviews of these products as an out-of-school over-the-hill ne'er-do-well -- those kids, educators and parental types would frown on that kind of thing. It might even go on my permanent record.

So I followed the old saying: If you can't beat 'em, imp 'em.

So matriculate yourself down the page for my some childrens', parent's and teacher's reviews -- and my actual Facebook posts on the companies' walls -- of these back-to-school staples. And staplers, for that matter.

Let's get right to the pop quiz, peeps:

You can't (pretend to) be a real serious pupil unless you rock your own stapler. Personally, I'd go for the red model from Office Space. My alter ego, however, took a different route. Luckily, Swingline knows how to fashionably accessorize their fashion accessories:


Speaking of "alter egos", there's more than one way for a student to get in touch with his feminine side. Most of those ways involve keg parties, cross-dressing hazing rituals or confusing but persuasive psychology lectures.

Or so I'm told.

But now there's yet another way -- thanks to your writing utensil-us full of ink-us:


Of course, school supplies don't do you any good if you've got no way to schlep them to the schoolhouse. Your kid will only go as far in life as a good backpack will take him.

Or in some cases, a good backpack and fourteen dozen Big Macs:

High Sierra

Finally, we know it's hard to educate our youth. They don't listen. They've got the interwebs and the X-Cubes and Dora the Exhorter telling them what to do. It's almost impossible to get a lesson to stick.

Especially when it's close to lunch time:


Maybe it's better I'm not heading back to class. Kids these days have enough problems, without me sullying their stash of school supplies. Better they should get an education on their own.

Besides, those little ankle-nippers would probably try to steal my paste. And I'm telling you -- with a little gravy and a baked potato, this stuff is delicious. Here endeth the lesson.

Last week, Zolton "pledged" to annoy AlphaHydrox, Gamma2, Delta and Nestle. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or 'Like' them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton's own Facebook page!

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