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Charlie Hatton
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If You Didn't Get It On Tape, You Can't Prove Nothin'

Okay, I think I've got 'quantity' down pat. What was the other thing again?

All right, I think I should probably set some things straight around here.

I've been blogging for three whole months now, plus one day, and I'm thinking that you folks may be getting the wrong idea about me. Sure, I tell you about the weird and snarky and downright doofalicious situations that I find myself dropped in the middle of.

(Through no fault of my own, thank you very little.)

And I suppose I've -- *cough cough* -- been known to rant and foam every so often about people who share too much or morons too clueless to properly operate a phone. Guilty, as charged.

But I don't want you to get the wrong idea.

I'm not a bad person. Really. Look, I'm not even a mean person, if you ask most of the people who know me. Well, okay, probably not if you ask the ones who sit close enough to hear the shit I mutter under my breath. But you can pick just about anyone outside a three-foot perimeter from my mouth, and they'd probably tell you that I'm just grand.

And, for large portions of the day, I am grand. At least, I play grand on TV. I know when and where to draw the line, how to blend in with the 'normal' humans, and what sorts of things must never, ever be done. And so, lest you form the wrong opinion of me, I want to prove it.

(Really, your opinions mean everything to me. I mean it. Most everyone else I know has, or will, sit within the 'Muttering Zone', and find out just what a heartless, acerbic dickhead I really am. Most of you will never climb that particular mountain, so I have to keep you convinced that I have at least the merest shreds of compassion and sanity left. I am Leia, and you are my internet Kenobi. 'You are my only hope.')

(Well, shit. If that explanation didn't blow my chances with you people, I don't know what will. I've really got to stop typing everything that pops into my head.)

(Froot Loops. Dongleware. Bride of Chucky. Hmmm. Yeah, maybe tomorrow.)

Anyway, I'm out to show you that while I'll go far, there are lines that it cannot be conclusively proven that I've crossed. Some things are just too dumb, disgusting, or depraved even for me. And so, I present to you, in order to earn your undying respect and love (or disgust and pity; I'm really not so picky about such things), my list of:

Things That I Would Never, Never, Ever Do in a Million Years (So Far As You Know)

See what I mean? I'm just a regular guy, here, folks. I wouldn't do any of those things, just like you. Or at least, I wouldn't admit to doing any of them.

(Just like you.)

And you can't prove otherwise. I'm just as clean on these things as you are. Now who's the crazy dickhead, eh?

(Just for the record, though, I think the little green things came from a salad I had for lunch yesterday. I've got no idea about the yellow gunk, though. I haven't had corn in weeks. Spooky, huh?)

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Dude you ate dog food!

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