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Live Nude Gorls!

I'm always amused by the search terms that bring folks to this site. Certainly, I've laid down some odd combinations of verbiage and colorful turns of phrase, to put it kindly. Many people legitimately searching for all sorts of useful things have made accidental 'pit stops' here, before moving on to find what they were looking for.

Then, there are the pervs.

"When the majority of your waking hours are spent tracking down 'Katie Couric butt shots' and 'Bea Arthur nip slips', there's apparently little time left for brushing up on your English homework."

Those are my own fault, really. Those 'colorful' phrases and sometimes 'salty' language lead to all sorts of misunderstandings between internet search engines and the horny fourteen-year-old boys they're apparently meant to serve. Also, I did this, which didn't help. And this. And, lord help me, this.

(Look, it was my first week writing. I didn't know what the hell I was doing, okay?

Not like, say... now. At least if I wrote that today, I'd improve the punctuation.)

Anyway, let's just agree that any site with an entire category devoted to "Potty Talk" is likely to attract a few patrons from the seedier side of the interweb.

What amazes me is how few of the horndogs have learned to spell.

I suppose it's understandable. When the majority of your waking hours are spent tracking down 'Katie Couric butt shots' and 'Bea Arthur nip slips', there's apparently little time left for brushing up on your English homework.

(Oh, you laugh now. But within a week, some poor misguided twerp is going to come here looking for 'Bea Arthur nip slips'. One week. Guaranteed.)

I've already discussed the most popular pervy malapropism around here:

'penal implants'

That's in the logs at least once a day. I imagine these are the same people suffering from 'e-rectal dysfunction' and 'premature edumacation'. They should probably find a better dickshunary.

But there are others. Whether true misspellings, misunderstandings, or typos caused by having only one hand free with which to type, these not-quite-right search terms are everywhere. And since I'm here to help -- and to make fun of jerks -- I'll explain to the horndogs who will inevitably find this page later on where they're going wrong.

With regards to spelling only, of course. I'm not touching the rest of that train wreck. Let's get to the search terms:

'hot stroppers' -- I've never really thought of my barber in that way before. But come to think of it, he's pretty handy with those pinking shears. And the man gives good neck shave. Oh, baby.

'porno monkey shots' -- I'm only assuming this is a typo, because I've never heard of any porn movies titled 'Bobo Does Boston' or 'Bi-Curious George'. But maybe I'm just leading a sheltered life.

'mail member pictures' -- A request for weenie shots, or for photos of unionized letter carriers? You make the call!

'sadie massichism' -- 'Well hello, and what's your name? Sadie? How pretty! And your last name? Oh. Oh, my. How unfortunate for you. Dear me.'

'big dill does' -- I'm not sure I get it. A big pickle does what? Or are you referring to large sour female deer? Because the pickle seems hotter, somehow.

'leather fetas' -- Personally, I like my cheese with crackers, or maybe on a nice Greek salad. But sure, a bit of nicely prepared cow skin could probably work, too.

'nipple slops' -- This one pretty much speaks for itself. But now I can't get the image of a Bea Arthur breastfeeding mishap out of my head. That's gonna leave a mark.

You know, maybe I was wrong. Maybe there aren't a gaggle of fumble-fingered heavy breathers out there at all. Maybe it's just a bunch of folks legitimately searching for sexy barbers, dirty chimps, mailman snaps, some poor girl named Sadie, huge pickles, Greek cheese recipes, and info on messy breastfeeding techniques.

Now I can't decide whether I should be more frightened, or less. Eep.

Comments

Posted by: Simon | July 19, 2006 11:03 AM

Posted by: kerry | July 20, 2006 2:22 AM