Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
Site Search:
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

« Blogging It Forward | Main | Man, They Grow Up So Fast! »

Dial 'M' for Moron

Yesterday I told you about my pocket problems. There's one that I forgot to mention, but that you may be interested in.

(In a sort of 'Ooh, look at the monkey dance!' kind of way. The sacrifices I make for you people...)

Anyway, this one involves my cell phone. I always keep it in my front left pants pocket.

(Except when I'm using it, of course. For one, using the phone while it's still in my jeans would be awfully challenging, given that I'm not friggin' Gumby. I mean, I'm 'bendy' and all, but I'm not that bendy. I can gaze at my navel, but I can't actually get my eyeball inside it. I can kiss ass, but not my own. I know about self-love, but... all right, let's just stop right there. You get the picture.

Besides, I think I'd get some pretty funny looks if I walked around talking to my crotch. Or rather, yelling at, given that whole not-bendy-enough-to-reach thing. And the conversations would be pretty one-way -- I doubt I could hear much of anything from two feet or more away from the speaker.

On the other hand, I could cement my place as the weirdest person I know.

(Yes, it's frightening that there's even anyone else in the race, isn't it? Poopyhead.)

But just imagine me walking around having loud, difficult conversations, and apparently with my penis. Bent over all day, straining toward my nethers, yelling,

'Hello?! Hello?! What?'

'Speak up! I can't hear you!'

'You want to -- what? Meet for dinner? Okay, where? Where? I said 'WHERE'?'

'What? 'Eagles sleep nude'? What?!'

''Little three boobs'? What the hell?'

'Ohhhh! 'Legal Sea Foods'! Sure, I could go for some tuna.'

'Tuna! Tuna! Tuuuu-naaaaa!! Oh, forget it.'

Nah, I'd better not try it. I get enough funny looks as it is, without really trying very hard.)

Okay, where the hell was I going with this?

Oh, my phone. Right. So, my phone's usually in my left front pocket. Fine.

Now, I should explain that my pockets are generally pretty roomy. This is a Good Thing™, given the myriad of crap that I stuff in them every day. But some days -- today, for example -- the distribution of crap in the pockets gets skewed a bit. More bits of stuff end up in some of the pockets than others. And generally when this happens, it's my phone that ends up alone, with room to shimmy around whereever it pleases. And this is where the problem comes in.

You see, my phone isn't particularly small. It's not ginormous, either, but it's fairly substantial. About as wide and as thick as a pack of cigarettes, maybe, but a little longer. Like a couple of dozen credit cards stacked together, plus an antenna. Or two big dog turds laid end to end.

(Yes, I know that's gross, but you've got to blog what you know, right? And I'm not so sure about the cigarette thing or the credit cards. It's been a long time since I've had much experience with either. Dog shit, on the other hand, I see every day. I deal with a veritable fricking flood of dog doo on a regular basis. It's downright diluvial. Really.

Yes, you can kill me now.)

So, anyway, the phone tends to shift and slide in there sometimes. And on occasion, it'll twist itself just the right way, and fall, fully horizontal, across the bottom of the pocket. Now, for those of you who aren't men, and can't picture exactly what the male genitalia might look like, I'll tell you that this poky-phone situation is not comfortable. At all. At best, it's unnerving. At worst, it's downright painful.

(And if the antenna is intimately involved, it feels a lot like a billiard cue stick, if you know what I mean. And if you move the wrong way, your 'two ball' might just end up in the 'corner pocket'. Yikes.)

So, when this happens, I do what any reasonable person might expect one to do -- I reach down, and gently lift the end of the phone closer to my happy place -- first up, and then away from 'ground zero'. Then, with a flick of my wrist, I flip it to the outside until the phone is standing upright, on the far side of the pocket. In other words, right where I want it. No problem, right?

Well, maybe. But perhaps I should also mention that I tend to perform this maneuver without actually reaching into my pocket. Which means that my sly little move looks something like this to any close observer:

I reach down, toward my crotch, and find a bulge. I get two or three fingers underneath it, and slide it up a few inches. Then I flick my wrist, and the bulge near my crotch suddenly disappears. Or gets a lot smaller, anyway.

(Hey, keep quiet. I don't need your help in describing my bulge. And no, I'm not going to italicize 'a lot smaller'. Get the hell outta here.)

Now, I'm not sure exactly what people might guess is going on... but it's fairly safe to say that it isn't good. It doesn't help that many of the activities that often involve shifting pants -- digging for keys, coming out of the bathroom, mooning the boss -- are the same ones that cause the phone to jostle around. So people are already focused on my jeans when I make my little 'adjustment'. So they can't miss it.

(And they don't. I can tell by the gapes on their faces.)

I don't really have a good solution. I'm not so interested in a phone holster, or stuffing more junk in my pockets to hold the phone still. Something else would just poke me eventually -- a pen, or my ID card, or something -- and I'd be back to square one, publicly crotch-swiping all over again. I suppose I could try making the adjustment from inside the pocket, but I'm not sure that's better. At least if people can see my hand, they know I'm not staying down there for the 'long haul'. But maybe they just assume my 'haul' isn't that 'long' to begin with. Or that I'm easily... um, 'amused'. Or something. Ugh.

Anyway, I thought you should know. Not for me, you understand. I don't get any pleasure out of embarrassing myself in front of you folks.

(Well, maybe just a little pleasure. I mean, I like it if you like it. Is it good for you? I know how you like to watch. Perv.)

But maybe this will alert you to the types of things -- purely innocent, 'routine maintenance' types of things -- that sometimes go on 'down there'. And maybe you'll be just a little kinder, and less aghast, next time you see a guy fiddling around near his equipment.

(That's an important distinction -- he's likely not fiddling with his equipment; it's near his equipment. Get it right.)

Hell, maybe you'll even be a good sport and help him out.

(Of course, then it'll be 'with' the equipment. Which really isn't the guy's fault. Look, if he's at all interested in having your help in the first place down there, then the equipment's gonna end up being pretty much everywhere. Suddenly, you won't be able to swing a dead cat without hitting something naughty.

Not that you would, of course. Swing a dead cat. We don't do that sort of thing in polite company. Even when 'polite company' involves helping out with a bad case of crotch crowding.)

So, have a heart out there. The next time you see someone groping his pockets, or fumbling in his drawers, or making with the hitchy-pants -- don't look down your nose at him. He's having a rough day. Show him a little support. He's is not an animal. He puts on his pants one leg at a time, just like you do. He just wiggles them around a little more, is all. So please, be kind.

Just... don't ask to borrow his phone when he's done. Really, you don't know where that thing has been.





Permalink | Comments (4)






Comments


whatthehellhappenedlastnight?


so... is the ringtone set on vibrate?


P -- Oh, you know it. Hey, if I'm gonna get poked in the 'nads, I might as well give myself a chance to get lucky while I'm at it.



btezra -- Um... okay. whataboutit?

I like that since you named your new place 'Dial "M" for Moron' if anyone looks for that on here they're going to learn all about your crotch gropings.

Post a comment

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Science:
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Me on Baseball:
  Bugs & Cranks


Me on Apartments:
  Author Page


Three Wee Tweets:
Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers (70)
A Doofus Is Me (203)
Articles 'n' Zines (74)
Audience Participation (35)
Awkward Conversations (176)
Bits About Blogging (168)
Bitter Old Man Rants (50)
Blasts from My Past (78)
Cars 'n' Drivers (60)
Dog Drivel (78)
Eek!Cards (267)
Foodstuff Fluff (116)
Fun with Words! (71)
Googlicious! (27)
Grooming Gaffes (88)
Just Life (238)
Loopy Lists (33)
Making Fun of Jerks (59)
Marketing Weenies (66)
Married and a Moron (185)
Miscellaneous Nonsense (62)
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig (84)
Sleep, and Lack Thereof (34)
TV & Movies & Games, O My! (101)
Tales from the Stage (74)
Tasty Beverages (29)
The Happy Homeowner (81)
Vacations 'n' Holidays (134)
Weird for the Sake of Weird (71)
Whither the Weather (40)
Wicked Pissah Bahstan (49)
Wide World o' Sports (124)
Work, Work, Work (206)

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Listed on BlogShares

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved