Where the Hell Was I? blog: Original humor & comedy articles daily weblog

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Well shit, here we are.

(Which I'm still convinced were Neil Armstrong's first words on the moon, 'One small step...' be damned.)

Anyway, this is the brand spankin' new 'Where the Hell Was I?' log, the name for which will soon become excruciatingly obvious. Come on in -- sit down, stand up, park your ass in one of those backwards-ass desk chairs that seemed to be popular a few years ago, I don't care.

(Who designed that thing, anyway? 'It's good for your back', they said. 'It's good for your back, it's good for your back...', like a bunch of Day of the Dead extras. Is having a 'good back' really worth sitting like a knock-kneed emu for eight hours a day? I'll take the scoliosis and slipped discs, thank you very much...)

"Hell hath no fury like an animal lover with the smell of pork in his/her nostrils."

Anyway (again), this is pretty standard stuff, from what I understand. I use this to get the little demons and talking voices out of my head ('Red rum! Red rum!'), and you read it. Or you don't. Or you do, and you like it. Or you do, and you don't. Those are pretty much the only options. Do try to pick one and stay with it; we all need a well-defined role here.

Okay, so I'm now about 4 minutes in, and I've decided to change the name of the whole damned thing. I'm not usually quite so wispy ('Ooh, ooh, the tan pants, or the khaki pants?!? Oh, I feel faint...'), but I've got three (count 'em, three -- 1, 2, 3) good reasons for the change. And here, like it or lick it, they are:

1) The original name, brainstormed in a flurry at around 9am, was 'The Sitdown Standup Experience'. On further review (i.e., the 4 minutes -- now 6 -- that I've been living with my choice), it seems not quite right. Oh, it has its merits -- for one, I have been sitting for this entire time, and it has been an experience... but I haven't told a single joke, or mentioned nuns, rabbis, priests, dogs, God, Saint Peter, bears, rabbis, gynecologists, bartenders, Iraq, rabbis, blondes, kids named Johnny, or ducks. Or rabbis. So this certainly isn't standup, and probably not comedy.

(As an aside, and in my defense, nine in the morning is not my best time of day, I can assure you -- besides my lack of mental function at that hour, it takes me until about 10:00 to stop looking like the star of 'Harry and the Hendersons'. I'll leave it to you to decide which big hairy Sasquatch I mean by that ('Harry' or John Lithgow), and which it would be worse to look like for the better(?) part of the morning every day...)

Where the hell was I? Oh, yeah:

B) Deciding at the time to press on w/the ill-conceived name, what I really wanted was the URL sitdownstandup.blogspot.com. Fine. So I typed it in, and the BlogGods say:
"No, can't have. Name taken. Choose again, mortal."

So I tried the URL. Nothing there, 404 error, etc. Hmmm. Type it in again; BlogGods say:
"No, foolish human. No touch. Name taken. Once more and we banish to AOL. Make you use Outlook for mail."

Okay, so I obviously couldn't piss the BlogGods off any further. So I put a finger to chin and thought. Finally, an 'Aha!'.

(Okay, it was still before 10:00, so it was more like an 'Ugh-uhh'. Deal.)

Anyway, I wasn't so sure about the Sitdown Standup (Fight! Fight! Fight!) part anyway (and there's just one more reason to ditch it...), so I thought I'd abbreviate it and focus on the important part of all this -- the EXPERIENCE. Right? I mean, if it's not an experience, then what good is it? So I happily typed in my new URL and got it approved:

ssexperience.blogspot.com

Now, I didn't see the problem with this at first, I really didn't. My half-started brain saw ssEXPERIENCE and all was well. It wasn't until I actually used the URL that I realized what I'd really come up with, in the pimply adolescent eyes of the Web:

sSEXperience.blogspot.com

Ick. On the other hand, maybe no ick. Sex sells, of course. Even the faint whiff of sex sells.

(Though it really shouldn't, I wouldn't think -- have you ever really gotten a nice big snootful of sex smell? I mean, at the time -- assuming you're with company while it's happening -- it's easy enough to move on and get back to the ugly-bumping at hand, or whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. But out of context, I wouldn't think it'd be all that pleasant -- all sweaty and musky and tangy in not quite the right way... like a wet moose dipped in expired duck sauce or something...)

Lost my place again... oh, right, the URL.

Anyway, I decided that though a site w/SEX prominently displayed in the URL might bring in the eyeballs, it was at least as likely to bring in a whole host of other body parts that I really don't have anything for just at the moment. And I could see the potential for those body parts to get all worked up and angry (but not in the way they'd hoped, really), and to hijack the fingers and brains attached to them into some sort of flame/spam/hack war against this site and all of the sex that it really, at the end of the day, doesn't represent. So, in the end, I decided that I'd rather risk the 'net equivalent of throwing a pig roast for a few expected friends and having no one show up.

(As opposed to having the party overrun w/rabid vegans and animal rights folks who weren't really invited, but are outraged and moved to destruction nonetheless. Hell hath no fury like an animal lover with the smell of pork in his/her nostrils. Oh, and no offense if you're a "non-rabid vegan", though it's not yet been proven to me that the term is not an oxymoron.)

'k, now where was I? Oh, right, last reason:

iii) Quite frankly, there was no 3rd reason when I started this thread, but I figured I'd come up with something, given how long it would take me to get to the friggin' point. And I have -- the 3rd reason is simply that it's clear from the work we've done so far together that a name along another line will be much more appropriate. I'm leaning toward 'Where the Hell Was I?', and hope to get the corresponding URL.

(I'll sacrifice an iMac to the BlogGods to make peace first; that's all the bloody fruit-colored things are good for, at any rate. I mean, even as paperweights and doorstops, they suck ass. Who wants a big lime-colored neon piece of crap in their hallway or holding down their papers, anyway?)

If that doesn't work out for some reason, maybe I'll go with 'Anyway', or 'Just Parenthetically' or something else that clearly indicates my difficulty in staying on track.

So I'm off to see the Wizards.

(God help you, don't add, 'the wonderful wizards of Blog!!'. Do try and keep a shred of dignity while you're here, eh?)

Anyway (my last 'anyway' for now, and my last parentheseseses), that's all I've got for now. Ten am has rolled around, so I've got my brain back, and I'm ready to face the world. Now where the hell was I?

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