Where the Hell Was I? blog: Original humor & comedy articles daily weblog

Titles Make the Blog Grow Bigger

Putting the 'more' in sophomoric for almost ten whole days!

Hey, all. Not a lot of time for chit-chat right now. The 'rents are coming into town for the weekend, so I've gotta get a full night's rest. Or as close as I can, given that I'm sleeping in what feels like the inside of a microwave. I'm afraid that if the sheets get pulled over our heads, we'll just inside-out like a popcorn kernel sometime in the night. I worship at the feet of the central air god, but my prayers are left unanswered and sweaty. O great Carrier, why hast thou forsaken me?

Anyway, consider this a maintenance report.

(Hey, I hate doin' that shit in real life; maybe it'll be more fun on the blog...)

"I worship at the feet of the central air god, but my prayers are left unanswered and sweaty."

I finally found that the way to get titles on all of the old posts was to cut all of the existing text, type in a title for the now-blank post, save it, find it again, pull it up and paste the old drivel.... um, that is, the delicious satire and irony, back in and save it again. A painstaking process, to be sure, but rest assured that I'll spare no expenditure of effort to bring you the finest quality meats and fish available. Or something like that -- you know what I mean (you big lug, ya).

So. Now we have titles. Par-tay. Just thought you should know, in case they don't jump right off the page to grab your attention. I think it adds some class to the old fleabag, don't you?

Anyway, that's about it, I suppose. I've got a couple of things lined up for the next few posts -- how to (not) check your fly, I think, and I want to talk about bitches, sometime. (You can never have too much talk about bitches...) And whatever else falls out of my head and onto my pillow as I sleep at night.

(Well, besides the things I might need to put back in. Or eat. I know, 'Ewwwww!')

But, as I'm sure no one else recalls, I did once threaten (sort of) to offer up a list of useful phrases that you might use out there when dealing with the apes and baboons that inhabit our fair cities. You know, to annoy them, or to allow you to go on autopilot for a while, or to piss them off so they go the hell away. Those sorts of things. Really useful conversational English, not the crap they teach you in the TOEFL classes. (Mmmmmmm... tofu..)

But, just like class, I'm gonna need you to do a little homework first. I've found that someone out there has made a list of the sorts of things I have in mind, and he calls them clams. Me: useful phrases; him: clams. And of course, the Indians call them maize.

(See, that's a clam. Aren't you happy now? You know...)

Anyway, I've decided to take his manifesto as a personal challenge, and format my list in just the same way.

(Good thing the bitch-ass-bitch didn't take any of mine. Luck-y. No, no, read his list -- you'll get it.)

So now you'll have two of these to steal from, or to compare (and tell me how much better mine is), or to ignore completely. Double the dosage, double the high. Of course, my list will be full of 'oysters' rather than 'clams', so we'll see what your palate's in the mood for when the time comes. So get your bib on, bub, and start singin' those chanties. We're goin' on a seafood run. Arrr!