So. Valentine's Day is coming up. A time of the year that strikes fear in the hearts of men everywhere, a time when roses are great -- but only if they're the right color, candy is swell -- unless she's in the wrong mood, and sweet talk melts her heart -- assuming you don't say anything stupid, use only appropriate language and can actually remember her name this time. Basically, if you're equipped with a penis and in a relationship, you might as well just start sleeping on the couch now for practice.
But fear not, intrepid husbands, boyfriends, fiancees and 'sugar sons'! For I have not one but two love-related posts from these very archives (and another one that isn't!) that is guaranteed to get you out of the doghouse and back into the bedroom in no time.
"Basically, if you're equipped with a penis and in a relationship, you might as well just start sleeping on the couch now for practice."
Or, they'll distract you from your misery while you're camped out in the garage after she stomps on the flowers and starts winging furniture at your head. Eh, what do I care which? It's not my marriage we're talking about. This time.
So enjoy the Valentiney goodness dripping off the links below. With all the sap, pap and sentimental hoohah floating around this time of year, these words should provide you a solid logical footing for handling this year's festivities.
(Note: Use of any of the methods, activities or suggestions contained in the following pages is not recommended, under any romantic circumstances. We hold no responsibility for the huffyhood, frigidity or stomping-back-to-daddyness that may result from trying these things at home, and we cannot assist you personally or financially with couples counseling, divorce proceedings or getting those high heel dents out of your Jeep Cherokee. Proceed with extreme amorous caution.)
On selecting a card: Yes, I'm a Hopeless Romantic
(Just replace "anniversary" with "Valentines' Day" while you read that one. Eight of one, half dozen of the other...)
On choosing a bouquet: Say What with Flowers?
And, with a huge assist from my friends at The Science Creative Quarterly, who were kind enough to publish it prior to V-Day two years ago, a sober and revealing analysis of this crazy 'love' word people keep throwing around: Love in the Laboratory.
That's all for now. Fellas, now you can give your lady a nice card, an appropriate bunch of blooms and a scientifically-tested sappy sentiment of your choice this Valentine's Day. No need to thank me now; you can always send your undying gratitude after the big day has passed.
And yes, feel free to call from the garage, or whichever motel you check into. I'll understand.