Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes
Site Search:

« How I Feel About... Pinatas | Main | Farewell, Sweet Sundays »

Does It Smell Like Kibble In Here?

As I was leaving for work today -- literally leaving, with shoes on, pants zipped, hand on the doorknob -- I looked into the living room and saw it. A large, wet, nasty pile of puppy chunks.

At least, I assume they were puppy chunks -- freshly blown puppy chunks, mind you -- because of all the recognizable bits of dog food therein. So either the mutt had yakked all over the floor, or there are things my wife isn't telling me about her dietary habits. Strange, kinky, horsemeaty things.

When I saw the mess, I froze. And pondered. I'd just gotten through ninety-nine percent of my morning routine without noticing the pile of spaniel spew before me. My wife, long since gone to the office, couldn't possibly know whether I'd seen it or not. And she'd be home first. Dare I leave the barfy barrage, and claim innocence later on, after the mess was cleaned?

No. I daren't.

I daren't for several reasons. I daren't because I love my wife, and it's sometimes a man's job to do the messy things that a proper lady shouldn't have to muck about with. Taking out the trash, for instance. Changing light bulbs. Understanding the 3-4 defense. And glomming hound hork off the hardwood, apparently. I do not remember that in the wedding vows.

Also, leaving a mess like that just isn't sanitary. Besides the vile and creepy critters that kind of thing probably attracts, there's a fair chance the dog would come back and eat it again. And heave it back up. And down, and up, and down, and up, in a fit of nausea ad nauseum. For the mutt, it's a few snacks and an aerobic workout. For us, it's seventeen piles of 'yuck!' where once was only one. I don't like those odds.

Mostly, though, I figured that my wife would assume I'd seen the pile and left it, and then the proverbial poo would hit the propeller. Believe me when I tell you that hell hath no fury like a woman cleaning kacked-up kibble off the floor when someone else saw it first and walked away. You think she'd put your nuts in a vise over ogling other women, gents? Try that number on for size.

So, I did the right thing and sponged up the spaniel spew. And in doing so discovered another pile of the stuff, this time on my wife's couch. The dog sleeps on the couches when we're not around, which we don't much like, but have come to accept as 'just one of those things she'll never learn, no matter which end of the tennis racket you beat her with'.

(I suggested we buy a taser to get the message across, but my wife said no. Something about 'animal cruelty' and 'humane treatment' and 'ASPCA jumping on our asses'.

Pfffft. I think she just doesn't want the house smelling like Korean food every time we zap her.)

Anyway, I finally got the chow chunks off the floor, cleaned up the 'bonus pile', duct-taped the dogs lips together to prevent another spew, and got the hell out of there. There's only so much not-mine vomit a guy can stand before that first cup of coffee.

(And no, ya puppy-loving freaks out there, I didn't really duct-tape the dog's lips. I did almost mix SuperGlue into her food instead, but I didn't, okay? I didn't!

Note to self: We're out of SuperGlue. Pick up a tube next time we're at Staples. See if they make it in bacon flavor.)

So, that was my nasty morning. But at least I got to come home to a happy, loving wife this evening, who was cheerful and chipper and none the wiser that any mess had ever been made.

Which is unfortunate, seeing as how she was lying sprawled on the couch that I'd marginally cleaned up a few hours before. And I didn't have the heart -- or the nerve -- to tell her. Eventually, she turned over, snuggled her face into the pillow, and drifted off to sleep. I don't know what sorts of dreams she had, but I'm guessing they involved Alpo. That can't be good, can it?

Permalink | Comments (3)


You sure know a lot of words for dog puke. Be grateful for hardwood floors. Be very grateful.

Would that glue work for cat hineys? I have a cat (not sure which one) who can't aim worth a darn in the cat boxes. Misses all the time and I have to clean up kitty piles. Ew!

But if I glued the hiney then I wouldn't have to clean the piles. Oh, wait, I would have to use the glue on all three cats since I am not sure which one has the bad aim. Hmmmm......

I am so sorry that you had to wake up to that. Thats "ruff". I am a vet tech and I have the dubious pleasure of scrapin dog pooey and cat yak all day long, but at least I get paid to do it! Not so lucky for you. Your site is hilarious, keep it coming, and tell the dog to hold it next time

Post a comment

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Science:
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Me on Baseball:
  Bugs & Cranks

Me on Apartments:
  Author Page

Three Wee Tweets:
Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers (70)
A Doofus Is Me (203)
Articles 'n' Zines (74)
Audience Participation (35)
Awkward Conversations (176)
Bits About Blogging (168)
Bitter Old Man Rants (50)
Blasts from My Past (78)
Cars 'n' Drivers (60)
Dog Drivel (78)
Eek!Cards (267)
Foodstuff Fluff (116)
Fun with Words! (71)
Googlicious! (27)
Grooming Gaffes (88)
Just Life (238)
Loopy Lists (33)
Making Fun of Jerks (59)
Marketing Weenies (66)
Married and a Moron (185)
Miscellaneous Nonsense (62)
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig (84)
Sleep, and Lack Thereof (34)
TV & Movies & Games, O My! (101)
Tales from the Stage (74)
Tasty Beverages (29)
The Happy Homeowner (81)
Vacations 'n' Holidays (134)
Weird for the Sake of Weird (71)
Whither the Weather (40)
Wicked Pissah Bahstan (49)
Wide World o' Sports (124)
Work, Work, Work (206)

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass



Blogging Fusion Blog Directory


Listed on BlogShares

Top Blogs


Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved