Don't Like This Post? I've Got One Word for You... [Where the Hell Was I?]

August 29, 2005

Don't Like This Post? I've Got One Word for You...

Hey. CW is back. Good times.

And, as a mini-tribute to the first 'real' post of his return -- and only barely because I was going to post about this topic anyway -- I've prepared the following words. If you read his post, then mine may seem, on the surface, to be entirely contrary to his point. That's okay. Mine's probably a satire, or some other kind of tongue-in-cheek clever thing like that. As far as you know, anyway.

At any rate, it's sort of related. So, welcome back, CW. Here's the post. Have fun, kids.

So, I have a new favorite word. And this time it's not assbag. Or porksmitten. Or boobered, or any other ridiculous word that I've managed to cook up. This time, it's something you can actually look up in a dictionary. My new favorite word is: 'nevertheless'.

Why 'nevertheless'? Why, because it's so versatile of course. Regardless of the discussion or situation, a well-timed 'nevertheless' says, clearly and distinctly:

'I hear you. You're making a calm, coherent, intelligent argument. Your logic may well be air-tight. And frankly, I don't give a somersaulting rat's nut what you think.'

It's spectacular. It's unstoppable. It's the one-word equivalent of 'La la la la -- I can't hear you -- la la la la!' And, if used properly, it's the last word in any argument. Allow me to demonstrate.

Say you've made a suggestion about how to improve morale around the office. But the boss is being a big poopy-head about it, and cramping your style. Or copping your buzz, or licking your muffins -- but not in the fun, pants-optional way that you were just thinking. This isn't about you, ya muffin-mongering pervert. Let's just imagine the conversation:

You: But, what's wrong with free stripper massages on Tuesdays? Give me one good reason not to do it.
Boss: Fine. It's sexist. It's in bad taste. The feminists would boycott us. There's the legal liability. And -- if I'm reading this proposal correctly -- given what you want the strippers to massage you with, it's highly, highly unsanitary. And quite possibly illegal.
You: Nevertheless!

See? That's all you have to say. You can't argue with 'nevertheless'. How do you come back from that? It acknowledges everything just said to the contrary, and blows a big fat '*tthhhpppbbbttttt*!' right back in its face. It's beautiful.

Let's try again. I'll show you how I use my new toy on my wife. Hey, hey -- mind out of the gutter, dammit. I'm talking about 'nevertheless' here. Keep it clean, sicko.

Her: Holy hell, have you been sitting on that couch all day?
Me: Well... yeah. I guess I have.
Her: You're just a mess. Lazy. Shiftless. Useless. I can't imagine how you ever convinced me to marry you.
Me: Perhaps. Nevertheless!
Her: Awwwwwww. That's so cute!

That's all it takes, baby. One little word to hold the marriage together. Feel free to use that one, guys. And gals, for that matter. You'll never lose an argument again, sort of. It's wonderful. You can thank me later.

And the only thing better than using 'nevertheless' to end an argument is using it while your opponent is still making his or her case. That's simply delicious. Imagine using it in, say, a courtroom. Maybe during your own sentencing hearing.

(What? This scenario hitting a little too close to home for some of us? Hee.)

Judge: Sir, you have displayed a history of shenanigans and mischief. There's a clear pattern here of disrespect for authority, and --
Me: Nevertheless!
Judge: -- and I can think of no plausible reason not to throw the book at you in this matter --
Me: Never! The less! Nevertheless!
Judge: -- and sentence you with the harshest penalty allowed under the law, given --
Me: (in Cartman voice) Nevahthaless!
Judge: -- your utter disregard for your fellow man and the justice system.
Me: (in Monty Python 'nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition' voice) Nevahhhhhh! Theless!
Judge: Oh, screw it. Pay the fine, and go home, fer crissakes. Next case!

So, there you go. Keep 'nevertheless' in your back pocket, and you'll never be wrong again. You may be shunned, you may be sued, and you may spend a few lonely nights in jail. But you'll never be provably wrong again.

What? Still skeptical? Nevertheless!

Yeeeeah, bitches. That's what I thought.