Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
Site Search:
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

« Hi Ho Smuckers, Away! | Main | Play Whereever You Want, Alfie -- Just Don't Hurt Nobody! »

Backdrafts and Bus Routes

This has been a very lazy, brain-dead couple of days for me. It was the sort of weekend where I did little, thought less, and spent most of my time concentrating on looking scruffy and unkempt. That's two straight days of practice -- I'm getting pretty damned good at this. By now, even the dog turns up her nose and runs away from me.

"Hidey-ho, children!"

Tomorrow, of course, I'll clean up and presentablize myself. Until then, I've got a nice comfortable 'wallow' going, and I don't see any reason to ease up until morning. Unfortunately, that doesn't lend itself to getting much writing done -- you've got to slouch way too much to type, if you're being properly slovenly.

But in honor of lazy, hazy weekends everywhere, I'll stay mostly upright long enough to relay this:

Five Really Unfortunate Ways to Discover You've Got Your Boxer Shorts on Backwards

1, Standing at your toilet fumbling around with your crotch, trying desperately to find the 'peephole' to release that Big Gulp you had with dinner last night.

2. Walking past a window and catching a draft. In your colon, because your peephole's 'round back this morning.

3. Standing on your porch and bending over, away from a passing school bus, to fetch the morning paper. 'Hidey-ho, children!'

4. Absent-mindedly scratching your ass first thing in the morning. Through the peephole. Gah.

5. Sitting on a counter -- a cruelly cold granite counter -- while sipping your morning coffee. That there's no hole in the front of your underwear for your now-spilled coffee to leak through will be of vanishingly small comfort.

I'm not saying any of these things happened to me this weekend, necessarily. I'm just saying these would be really, really bad ways to find out you've been sporting your undies ass-backwards.

On the other hand, I am planning on teaching the dog to fetch the newspaper, boarding over all the windows in our house, and upholstering the kitchen counters with down blankets. Nice, warm down blankets.

Still, I'm not confirming or denying anything. You'd think, after thirty-plus years of mostly reliable underwear wearing, that maneuvering into a pair would be second nature by now. And I'll let you continue to think that, by not offering any more details on the matter.

Coincidentally, I'm sure the fact that the school buses don't come down our street any more is completely unrelated.

And no, I don't have any idea why they started throwing 'Moon Pies' at the house. I SAID IT'S UNRELATED, DAMMIT!

Can't a guy sit on his down-covered countertop and drink a bedtime Big Gulp in peace? Sheesh.





Permalink | Comments (2)






Comments

I am soooo glad I wasn't eating or drinking anything when I read this.

*giggling uncontrollably*

a little bit of vivid imagery goes a long way... those poor children.. giggle

Post a comment

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Science:
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Me on Baseball:
  Bugs & Cranks


Me on Apartments:
  Author Page


Three Wee Tweets:
Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers (70)
A Doofus Is Me (203)
Articles 'n' Zines (74)
Audience Participation (35)
Awkward Conversations (176)
Bits About Blogging (168)
Bitter Old Man Rants (50)
Blasts from My Past (78)
Cars 'n' Drivers (60)
Dog Drivel (78)
Eek!Cards (267)
Foodstuff Fluff (116)
Fun with Words! (71)
Googlicious! (27)
Grooming Gaffes (88)
Just Life (238)
Loopy Lists (33)
Making Fun of Jerks (59)
Marketing Weenies (66)
Married and a Moron (185)
Miscellaneous Nonsense (62)
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig (84)
Sleep, and Lack Thereof (34)
TV & Movies & Games, O My! (101)
Tales from the Stage (74)
Tasty Beverages (29)
The Happy Homeowner (81)
Vacations 'n' Holidays (134)
Weird for the Sake of Weird (71)
Whither the Weather (40)
Wicked Pissah Bahstan (49)
Wide World o' Sports (124)
Work, Work, Work (206)

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Listed on BlogShares

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved