Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
Site Search:
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

« Thanks for Nothing, Thanksgiving! | Main | Several Nights After Christmas... »

Nails Are Tough!

So, I've got fingernails.

I don't mean that in the 'Woo, lookit that, a body part I've got!' kind of way, of course. Not like when I was three, and careened around the house naked, screaming, 'Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Peeeee-niiiiiiiiiis!!!'

(Or for that matter, last Saturday morning, when I tore off my shirt and jiggled suggestively at my wife, singing, 'Nipple in the morning! Nipple in the evening! Nipples all of the time!'

What can I say? The muse strikes at odd moments, sometimes.)

Anyway, the fingernail thing. What I mean is, I've currently got long fingernails. Long for me, at least, which is sort of a minor miracle. You see, I'm a long-time nail biter. Mostly fingernails -- and almost exclusively my own, save that one rather memorable time with the neighbor's daughter on the playground.

(Eh, it was a school initiation thing. I explained it all later, and it was cool. Oh, how we laughed, once the restraining order was lifted. Good times, man. Good times.)

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're saying:

'Nooooooo.

You, Charlie, with an OCD-driven nervous habit like nail biting? Why, I just can't see that.

A heroin addiction, maybe. Ritual self-scarring? Sure, you seem the type. Cross-dressing devil worship? It wouldn't surprise me. But nail biting? Gracious me, no.'

Sadly, though, it's true. I've even confessed to my dirty little habit before, a little less than two years ago. In the past two decades or so, I've had white tips on my fingernails for maybe four weeks. And half of that was the week before and after my wedding, including the honeymoon.

(Because hey, I'm compulsive and all, but people -- if you have the time or inclination to bite your nails on your honeymoon, then you are not doing it right. Get nakeder, drunker, or preferably both, and start over from the beginning. Chop chop.)

But for some mysterious reason, the nibbling stopped three weeks ago. Whatever inner demon was causing me to chew shriveled up and died, apparently. Possibly, it was all the alcohol and hot sauce I've been pouring on top of it all these years, via the stomach. That'll teach those inner demons to hang out in the organs I have control over. Get into the prostate, where only the creepy butt doctor can reach you, dammit!

But I digress.

The point is, I don't know what to do with these damned things now. I've gone without fingernails for so long, I've got to relearn how to use them, now that they're back. Last week, I spent an hour exploring the simple joys of peeling a price tag from a CD jewel case. Some people take that sort of thing for granted. Long-nailed people, like manicurists and hookers and dirty, unkempt hobos, for instance. Well, not me, dammit. I even offered to go back through the store and peel all the tags off for them. I was denied. And rebuked. Also, I got a wedgie. Sam Goody's has a thing or two to learn about 'customer satisfaction', goddammit.

Of course, being armed with fingernails is not all cupcakes and stripper sweat. No, indeed. More than once, I've accidentally poked the dog with a nail-where-no-nail-used-to-be. I'm afraid I may inadvertently put an eye out with one of these things. Also, drumming my fingers on the desk is a lot louder than it used to be. I'm going to need to find another way to privately express my boredom at the office -- especially in meetings with the boss.

And let's not even talk about my testicles. Honestly, I've been scratching my boys down under for a lot of years now, and I have never had these 'issues' before. There are some plaves you should never have to put a Band-Aid, people. Not even the Elmo kind. Hell, especially not the Elmo kind. Ow.

I suppose I'll clip the things soon. Assuming I can remember how, of course. I've only had my toenails -- and the dog's claws -- to practice on for the past few years, so it may get ugly. I might cut one too far, or jagged, or lop off a pinky or something. And then I'll have to file the things, and worry about the cuticle skin, and all of that nonsense. Jesus, if I'd known fingernails would be so much damned trouble, I'd have never stopped biting them. Can I have my filthy habit back, please?





Permalink | Comments (3)






Comments

Won't you be surprised if the creepy butt doctor finds fingernails in there!

Just remember, women like it when your fingernails are short and tidy, not bitten and not jagged. That's why lesbians always have very nice, clean, short nails.

"The more you know."

i have got to remember not to be eating when i visit this site again. geez.

Maybe you should check and see if your little Hispanic hairdresser has a friend who does manicures--could make for a good story, anyway, and just might bring your habit back.

Post a comment

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Science:
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Me on Baseball:
  Bugs & Cranks


Me on Apartments:
  Author Page


Three Wee Tweets:
Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers (70)
A Doofus Is Me (203)
Articles 'n' Zines (74)
Audience Participation (35)
Awkward Conversations (176)
Bits About Blogging (168)
Bitter Old Man Rants (50)
Blasts from My Past (78)
Cars 'n' Drivers (60)
Dog Drivel (78)
Eek!Cards (267)
Foodstuff Fluff (116)
Fun with Words! (71)
Googlicious! (27)
Grooming Gaffes (88)
Just Life (238)
Loopy Lists (33)
Making Fun of Jerks (59)
Marketing Weenies (66)
Married and a Moron (185)
Miscellaneous Nonsense (62)
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig (84)
Sleep, and Lack Thereof (34)
TV & Movies & Games, O My! (101)
Tales from the Stage (74)
Tasty Beverages (29)
The Happy Homeowner (81)
Vacations 'n' Holidays (134)
Weird for the Sake of Weird (71)
Whither the Weather (40)
Wicked Pissah Bahstan (49)
Wide World o' Sports (124)
Work, Work, Work (206)

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Listed on BlogShares

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved