Where the Hell Was I? blog: Original humor & comedy articles daily weblog

Dammit, It's Just Walking -- Does It Have to Be So Damned Hard?

Well, this just sucks donkey ass.

(You know, before we go any further -- why is it that donkeys are the preferred animal for negative sucking euphemisms? I've heard 'suck donkey dick', 'suck donkey balls', 'suck donkey dong', and, of course, the simplest, just 'suck donkeys'.

But why donkeys? Why not elephants, or badgers, or spiny anteaters?

Well, all right, I suppose I understand why we're excluding spiny anteaters. This is 'sucking' we're talking about, after all. Still. Is this a good thing for donkeys, career-wise, or not? Is it really 'good just to be mentioned', if all people ever talk about is how horrible sucking your various private parts would be? I'm just not sure.)

Anyway, what sucks right now is my leg. You 'long-time listener, first-time caller' types may recall a post from a few weeks ago in which I bitched about screwing up my leg playing volleyball. Well, I limped and gimped around for a couple of weeks, until I was more or less better -- really, more less than more, if that makes any sense.

In any event, let's just say that I wasn't running any marathons in those first two or three weeks. Or running anywhere, for that matter -- I took one jogging step across a street, to avoid being splattered by an onrushing Subaru, and whined and whimpered over the ouchies for the next hour. Steps were no fun, either. Or walking. Or standing. I was pretty much a big fat baby weenie for those first few days.

(Dammit, I said 'for those first few days'. Nobody wants to hear from the peanut gallery, understand?)

So, this past Sunday, after nearly a month of that shit, I decided I was well enough to play softball. Actually, I played the week before, but had the good damned sense to ask for a 'courtesy runner', to keep my gimpy ass off the bases and in relative good health. But that was boring. Safe. Sensible. Smart. Clearly, I couldn't continue on that path.

Thus, on Sunday, I thought I'd test the waters with my nearly newly-healed wheel. It was still a little tender, but felt no worse than a bruise. So, I limbered it up, stretched it out, and jogged around like an old fart, feeling the leg out. And it felt fine, so I declared myself ready to go. Our team was at bat first, and I was hitting second in the order. Piece of cake.

So, of course, I got up to the plate, dribbled a little grounder down the third base line, and tore towards first to beat out a hit. At least, I planned to tear towards first -- what actually happened, apparently, is that I took my first step, and something other than me tore. Something down there, in my oh-so-recently-gimpy leg. First step. That was all it took.

And now, here I am again, two and a half days later, still schlepping and sliding around like Gimpy Joe McClubfoot. And that -- that's what sucks donkey dongles. Or donkey diddles, or whatever the hell I said up there in the beginning.

So, it looks like a trip to the doctor's office is in order. I thought I had a pretty good handle on what happened initially, but if I'd been right, it should have cleared up in a week or two. Clearly -- and I know this must be hard to believe -- but clearly, I was mistaken. Who'd have thunk it?

Hopefully, it'll be something all cool and shit -- I mean, if it's gonna be this big a pain in the ass (or the calf) for this long, then it might as well be a snapped tendon, or a ripped-through muscle, right? Oooh, or leprosy. It could be leprosy, maybe. Or how about rabies? That'd be impressive, anyway.

Yeah, it's probably just a little sprain or something. Hell, at my age a hangnail could drop me on my ass for a couple of days. So there's no reason to expect this to be anything cool, but it's probably time to see what I'm dealing with. Maybe I'll at least get crutches out of the deal -- nothing wrong with some sympathy here and there, you dig?

Just remind me to stay off the damned softball field for a while. Bitches!