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Charlie Hatton
Watertown, MA
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As summer approaches, I'm reminded of birthdays from my childhood. I was squeezed out in the middle of summer, so there were no big birthing day parties for me growing up. When school's out, you eat cake alone. That's just how it works.
My parents did a nice job of making up for their ill-timed conception, though. They came through with gifts and cards -- and sometimes, cold hard cash -- to take the edge off not being able to share the day with my schoolyard chums.
"What if they'd given me crappy gifts wrapped in newspaper, served moldy fruitcake without candles, and sent my ass to bed?"
But... what if they hadn't? My parents were the only ones around on my birthday, really -- what if they'd just slacked off? Or worse, decided to stick it to me on my umbilical-cutting anniversary? What if they'd given me crappy gifts wrapped in newspaper, served moldy fruitcake without candles, and sent my ass to bed? Who would've ever known?
Luckily for me, my folks went the extra mile for my birthday. But it got me thinking -- how could it have been worse? And how can I milk a long-overdue addition to the Big List of Lists out of this?
(Didn't see that coming, now, did you?)
And so, on behalf of broken-spirited kids everywhere, I give you:
Birthday Presents for Unwanted Children
Tackle-Me Elmo
Barbed Wire Slinky
E-Z Break Oven
Simon (Cowell) Sez
Chinese Water Torture Checkers
Horny Horny Hippos
Crack House Barbie
Connect Fourteen
Snoopy's Yellow Sno-Cone Machine
Jarts
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Well, heck! I was always relieved that my birthday was in the middle of the summer because I didn't have to deal with the embarrassment of having the class sing me "happy birthday" or wearing Mr. Ferguson's huge ass "It's my birthday today" pin in 5th grade. I mean, common! We all know that pin was just like wearing a "kick my lily ass, please!" sign.
As for gifts for unwanted children meant to harass them... I'm sticking with those that really occur. Yeah, like the great toy the kid totally wanted "batteries not included", and those requiring adult assembly or supervision, with out an agreeable adult to do so.
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Freaking awesome.