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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA
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Well, it's December, dammit. I guess that means I should write something to help get you people into the 'holiday spirit'.
Of course, that means my holiday spirit, which is about one crappy Christmas carol short of slitting my damned wrists. Don't look to me for 'jolly', folks -- you'll be sadly disappointed, and might just end up with a candy cane up the keister for your trouble.
See, I can out-humbug the best of 'em. Old man Scrooge was too soft. Gettin' all sappy over a couple of ghosts. Pussy. And I taught the Grinch that 'tree up the chimney' move, baby. Cindy Lou Who can bite my red 'n' green-festooned ass.
(No, I don't know how my ass got 'festooned'. Or even what that means. I just know it's red and green -- red, from the... um, yeah, actually... don't ask about the red stuff.
And green, from... hrm. Yeah, you probably don't wanna know how the green got there, either. Long story. There are frogs involved. It's not pretty. Let's move on.)
Of course, despite my grinchy outlook, I'm still here to entertain, so let's see what you think of this next thing.
(And maybe, in the process, you'll get a hint as to why I think the holidays can shove their snowballs where the fruitcake ain't moist. Euphemistically speaking, of course.)
Anyway, here's my contribution for the holidays; it's a seasonally-inspired 'top ten' list. Feel free to play along at home, and add your madness to the mix:
I Know I'm Having Christmas (or Thanksgiving) Dinner with My Family When I Hear:
10. 'Michael, in this house, we don't end 'grace' with 'Word, bitch.' And if you piss god off, your testicles will never drop -- you know that, right?'
9. 'Okay, nobody eat the Jello salad. I crushed Ex-Lax into it this year to help Grandpa's digestion.'
8. 'If I weren't fricking starving right now, Uncle Peter, your head would be crammed so far up that turkey's ass.'
7. 'Oh, sure, Aunt Sue. These rolls are homemade, like my tits are real. Riiiight.'
6. 'Brent, when I said, 'Save room for pie', I didn't want you to gag yourself all over the table. Now we need a new can of cranberry sauce.'
5. 'My God... these mashed potatoes are as lumpy as your father's prostate gland.'
4. 'Look, I understand about 'family traditions', but does Uncle Joe really have to sing 'Jingle Bells' with his pants around his ankles again this year?'
3. 'Aunt Claire, this stuffing is your best ever! It only barely tastes like rancid pencil shavings!'
2. 'Yeah, I know Grandma's deaf. Now could somebody please fricking semaphore her to pass the goddamned gravy?'
1. 'Oh Charlie, we're so glad you could make it home! So... you made anything of yourself yet, or are you still coasting by on that 'A' you made in history in 9th grade?'
There you go, folks. Hang that on your Christmas tree and smoke it. I got your 'O Tannenbaum' right fricking here. Word, bitch. (Amen!)
Actual comment, heard after we have driven 350 miles to relative's house for Thanksgiving dinner: "Oh, no; we're not having dinner here. We're going over to (other, not related to us) relative's house. Come on along". No, we weren't expected to be there. Uncomfortable.
If it makes you feel any better, your misery is my hilarity. Your family makes mine seem (almost) normal.
Wanna bring this to the next family gathering?
Tequila Cookies
1 cup of dark brown sugar
1 cup (2 sticks) butter
1 cup of granulated sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups of dried fruit, (dried cranberries or raisins )
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)
Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour another 4 oz. in a measuring cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer…Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar…Beat again. At this point it’s best to
make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another 4 oz. …just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, pick the frigging fruit off floor…
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers
just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Jose Cuervo.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS
ps I stole it from another blogger's comments.
I know I am celebrating the holidays with my family when I hear, "Timmy, it's okay if you put an olive on each one of your fingers honey. But it will sting your little willy if you put one down there."
Lois Lane
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