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Charlie Hatton
Watertown, MA
« 'Tis the Listing Season | Main | Bob Vila Can Suck My Claw Hammer »
They say that 'closure' is a good thing. Good or bad, it's best to know your fate, as opposed to being left clueless and anxious. Any news is good news, and so on. At least, that's the theory.
Well, today I received my first rejection email from McSweeney's, saying that they're not interested in using the list I sent them. So that whole 'closure' theory bites hippo hootchie, right about now.
Actually, no -- it doesn't. That's not fair, really. Honestly, I appreciate the response, and the editor was very nice with his reply. Plus, you know what this means, right? If they don't want this list, then you get it. Right here, and also on the Big List of Lists page.
(Yeah, I know -- you probably don't 'want' it, either. But you're 'getting' it, anyway, so 'wanting' it isn't terribly relevant at this point. So 'cram' it. Figuratively speaking, of course.)
Of course, it also means that McSweeney's gets another list, as I try, try again to even up the score. Meanwhile, enjoy the rejected substandard dregs of fluff below.
Only, you know, put a better 'spin' on it first. No reason to go into the thing with the wrong attitude, now, is there?
'A' is for Asthma Attack
'B' is for Belt Sander Accident
'C' is for Complications from Minor Surgery
'D' is for Drunken Bet
'E' is for Euthanasia
'F' is for Feeding the Bears
'G' is for Groping a Truck Driver
'H' is for Hypothermia
'I' is for Industrial Solvent Spill
'J' is for Juggling Machetes
'K' is for Krispy Kreme Overdose
'L' is for Lactose Intolerance
'M' is for Morbid Obesity
'N' is for Natural Causes
'O' is for "Old Age-itis"
'P' is for Petting the Wrong Doberman
'Q' is for Questioning Authority
'R' is for Running with Scissors
'S' is for Shellfish Allergy
'T' is for Trampolining While Intoxicated
'U' is for Underestimating the Power of Cheese
'V' is for Vasectomy Gone Horribly Wrong
'W' is for Wood Chipper
'X' is for X-Ray Technician Negligence
'Y' is for "You Really Let Me Get All the Way to Y?"
'Z' is for "Zowie! You Stopped Paying Attention Around 'G', Didn't You?"
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I can't believe they rejected that! I mean c'mon"underestimating the power of cheese?" That's comic gold right there. And Old Ageitis? Who wasn't rolling on the floor laughing? Well, apparently the editor at McSweeney's. But I thought it was funny, if that counts for anything.
Stewart
Better luck next time. I've got one in their queue right now as well so I'll be waiting the next few months with baited breath myself.
Groping a truck driver?! I almost choked on my ice cream. Fortunately, I recovered before Trampolining while Intoxicated. damn.
I think this is a really funny and clever idea! It's a shame they didn't accept it, but I have a thought on how to make your list more McSweeney's friendly... Try taking just a few of the titles (maybe 5 or 6) and adding short blurbs about the plot after them. For example: 'E' is for Euthanasia when America's favorite heroine must deduce which family member gave into granny's express plea to free her from her disease-ridden, pain-wracked and putrifying earthly shell, freeing her soul and bringing eternal peace, by pulling the plug on her life support.
Best of luck!
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I think some of these should be mix and match. Like Morbid Intolerance.