Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
Site Search:
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

« It's... It's Got Its Tentacles All Over Me! | Main | The Chin of the Father Is Visited Upon... the Daughter! Ewww! »

One of Us Is Very Confused

Every once in a while, I scan through the subject lines of the emails in my spam folder, rather than just dumping them. Just now, as I was cleaning out the crap that had oozed in today, I saw this:

New Jack Rabbit Vibrator!

Now, setting aside for the moment that I frankly don't have much use for a vibrator of any kind -- unless I can use it to unclog my toilet, maybe, or floss my toes -- I have a teensy question for whoever sent me the email: "Don't you mean 'jack hammer'?"

See, maybe it's just me, but when I think of 'jack rabbits' -- or even 'jackrabbits', as I'd normally put it -- I think 'fast'. And from what I understand, from anecdotal research and a series of very interesting interviews down in the red light district, blazing speed is not what most people are looking for in a vibrator. When a lady reaches for her wiggly little friend, she's not typically interested in a 'quickie'; any old boozed-up sailor could fill that bill. No, endurance counts in this area. And that's just not something jackrabbits are known for, as for as I know. Big feet. Floppy ears. And lightning speed. Again, probably not the first characteristics you'd want from the thing you're thinking of sticking in your hoohah. I'm just saying.

But I can see, I suppose, where 'jack hammer' -- or 'jackhammer', more appropriately -- might whet the interest of certain folks in the market for a 'marital aid'. Frankly, it sounds a bit scary to me -- those mothers can break up concrete, fer chrissakes -- but that might appeal to some consumers. Hell, some people like to be tied up and whipped, too. How the hell could I predict what'll lube up someone's chassis?

Anyway, I didn't get a chance to actually read the email -- I had already hit the 'Delete' button when I noticed it, so it spiralled down the drain before I could open it. But I thought I should post this note, to let the author know:

'You'll sell more vibrators by referencing scary heavy machinery than by invoking the image of a small, furry rodent.'

Of course, that's just my opinion. And I've sold exactly as many vibrators in my day as Mother Theresa has, so feel free to take my advice with a grain of salt. But I'm pretty sure that's how the world operates. You'll let me know how you're doing with that 'jack rabbit' thing, though, won't you?





Permalink | Comments (2)






Comments

What alternately cracks me up and annoys the living shit out of me is the term "marital aid." The implications of it are so prissy...like you should only be taking any kind of pleasure in your sexuality whatsoever if you are married. No ifs, ands or buts. And why is it a "marital AID?" It's a handy little bugger, no doubt...but I've never been quite clear on what exactly it's supposed to do for your MARRIAGE. I can tell you that of all the thoughts in my head when my marriage ended, one of them was NOT "if only I had used a vibrator more, this would never have happened."

Yeah. Not real clear on that. But I do hear that the jackrabbit is some quality merchandise.

Yes, I had to Google it after reading your entry and found it for sale here! http://www.naughtynightlife.com/jack_rabbit_vibrator.asp

It's a vibrator/anal probe with what appears to be gumballs in it. Oh, and you should see the similarities between this thing and a jack rabbit! Oh, wait, there are none.

Post a comment

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Science:
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Me on Baseball:
  Bugs & Cranks


Me on Apartments:
  Author Page


Three Wee Tweets:
Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers (70)
A Doofus Is Me (203)
Articles 'n' Zines (74)
Audience Participation (35)
Awkward Conversations (176)
Bits About Blogging (168)
Bitter Old Man Rants (50)
Blasts from My Past (78)
Cars 'n' Drivers (60)
Dog Drivel (78)
Eek!Cards (267)
Foodstuff Fluff (116)
Fun with Words! (71)
Googlicious! (27)
Grooming Gaffes (88)
Just Life (238)
Loopy Lists (33)
Making Fun of Jerks (59)
Marketing Weenies (66)
Married and a Moron (185)
Miscellaneous Nonsense (62)
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig (84)
Sleep, and Lack Thereof (34)
TV & Movies & Games, O My! (101)
Tales from the Stage (74)
Tasty Beverages (29)
The Happy Homeowner (81)
Vacations 'n' Holidays (134)
Weird for the Sake of Weird (71)
Whither the Weather (40)
Wicked Pissah Bahstan (49)
Wide World o' Sports (124)
Work, Work, Work (206)

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Listed on BlogShares

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved