Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
Site Search:
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

« Who Needs an Occasion to Buy a Nice Tie, Anyway? | Main | You Learn Something New Every Game »

Kick It Up a Notch, Bitches! Bam!

You know, sometimes you write a post... just to get something the hell out of your head. And this -- this is one of those posts. Yesterday, I woke up with a tiny kernel of the idea below. I'm not sure whether I should be more embarrassed that I thought of it in the first place, or that I've now burdened you with it. Have a drink for me, won't you?

And now, without further excuses...



Announcer: And now, welcome to the studio your host -- he's the powder on your doughnut, the blow in your bowl, the chef with the all the best shit; it's Termel Johnson, with another round of 'Coke Cuisine'!

(Whooping and general mayhem surge through the studio audience. A pair of wobbly gentlemen attempt to rush the stage, but fall -- literally -- a few feet short. In the back, a boob is flashed.)

Termel: Hey, yeah. All right. What's up, y'all? I'm Termel, and I'm gonna gourmet the shit outta this joint. I got some pots over here, and they's veggies in the fridge, and I just scored a half a key of the finest Nicaraguan blow you ever laid your nostrils on. So let's get fun-kay with some... Coke Cuisine!

Now, today we're gonna talk about the sweet stuff. And I'm not just talkin' 'bout that sweet piece of hootchie that hangs by the dumpster behind the studio, either. Bonita! I'll be by for you later, girl! I hook you up, baby.

All right. So today, we gonna make us a three-course gourmet dessert. First, we'll need a box of brownie mix. Like this one, right here. Okay, let's get this shit into the bowl. Sweet. Looks like a big pile of chocolate blow, dunnit? Yeah, but don't be fooled -- I did a couple of lines of that shit once; I couldn't taste food for a week. You think the crank is bad? Stay away from the sugar, baby. That's bad medicine.

Anyway, brownie mix. Now, we gotta have a couple of eggs. Don't worry about the shells, now -- by the time you eat these babies, you won't know the difference. Now, throw in some milk. It don't matter how much. Hell, use water, if you want. OJ works, too. It's all good. And just mush all that shit together with your hands now. Watch those open sores, now.

Okay, now for the good part. Just before you pop the brownies in, add a half an ounce of your coke. This is important, now -- just a half. Any less than that, and you'll actually be able to taste the damned nasty things. Any more, and you'll notice a metallic, bitter aftertaste. Oh, and also -- you'll go blind. So be cool. You might want to write that step down.

So now, mix all that shit together, throw the pan in the oven, and... hell, I don't know. Leave it for ten minutes -- twenty, maybe. Whatever. Just do a couple of lines with the leftover goods, and the shit'll be done. Done enough, anyway. But don't get too far gone, man, and forget to use a potholder. Them ovens are dangerous bitches. Hey, just like Bonita! Aw, yeah. Almost forgot about her. Y'all can have this batch, now -- I'm gonna go let her lick my fingers. This's been Coke Cuisine. Blow appetit, peeps.

(Termel exits stage left. Stage hands are overrun, as the crowd surges forward to get their hands on the brownies. The camera zooms out and the credits roll, as a small, grandmotherly woman wields a rolling pin, snatches a brownie, and escapes backstage. Another successful show.)



Christ. Thank goodness that's out of my head now. Sorry you people had to see that. Much more of that bullshit, and I'll be afraid to wake up at all. Sheesh.





Permalink | Comments (4)






Comments

You ain't right dude! Hahahaha

You ain't right dude! Hahahaha

Termel? Is he the long lost half bastard son of the CEO of Hormel?
LOL.

Oh. My. God. You are SO not right, but so funny!

Uh-oh, I think I peed my pants from laughing...

gotta go!

:-D

oxoxox

Post a comment

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Science:
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Me on Baseball:
  Bugs & Cranks


Me on Apartments:
  Author Page


Three Wee Tweets:
Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers (70)
A Doofus Is Me (203)
Articles 'n' Zines (74)
Audience Participation (35)
Awkward Conversations (176)
Bits About Blogging (168)
Bitter Old Man Rants (50)
Blasts from My Past (78)
Cars 'n' Drivers (60)
Dog Drivel (78)
Eek!Cards (267)
Foodstuff Fluff (116)
Fun with Words! (71)
Googlicious! (27)
Grooming Gaffes (88)
Just Life (238)
Loopy Lists (33)
Making Fun of Jerks (59)
Marketing Weenies (66)
Married and a Moron (185)
Miscellaneous Nonsense (62)
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig (84)
Sleep, and Lack Thereof (34)
TV & Movies & Games, O My! (101)
Tales from the Stage (74)
Tasty Beverages (29)
The Happy Homeowner (81)
Vacations 'n' Holidays (134)
Weird for the Sake of Weird (71)
Whither the Weather (40)
Wicked Pissah Bahstan (49)
Wide World o' Sports (124)
Work, Work, Work (206)

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Listed on BlogShares

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved