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Charlie Hatton
Watertown, MA
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There's something wrong with me.
My birthday was a little over a month ago. Between various family members, I scored three gift certificates. Each one is for a store with a web presence, so I can order up b-day swag without ever leaving the comfort of the ass grooves in my desk chair.
Only, I haven't. Clearly, there's something wrong with me.
It's not as though the certificates are bogus, either. I could imagine letting self-presents go unbought for a month if I was sitting on a Bunny Slippers 'R Us gift card, or a '50% off orange juice concentrate!' coupon at the grocery store. That would sort of suck, actually. I think I'd do a lot more drinking on my birthdays, if I were receiving that kind of crap. Everybody knows juice from concentrate is too pulpy, anyway.
"I can do it at my desk, and only need a web browser. It's convenient and quick and involves technology. And if there are pictures of the merchandise, it's almost like surfing for porn -- what's not to like?"
My certificates are right up my alley, though -- one each from Borders, American Eagle, and Amazon. Those are perfect. I like books, and not-so-fancy clothes, and... well, everything, really, which is what Amazon seems to have. They're a lot like eBay, only without the uncomfortable cameraphone pics of dubious merchandise snapped in situ on a counter in some guy's double-wide. If Amazon is the 'online Target', then eBay is a gaptoothed greeter and a snippet of elevator music away from being e-WalMart. Eh, maybe I'm just jealous.
The point is, my birthday certificates are great; I was excited to get each and every one of them.
(Actually, I was a little too excited to get the one from American Eagle. Their logo is 'AE', and I thought I'd received a gift certificate from 'A&E'.
And I'd already decided to buy that chick from Inked. With a gift certificate, I could totally afford her. No question.)
But here I am, a full month later, with all three gift cards lying unspent on my desk. I've never been a huge fan of shopping, even for myself -- 'something wrong with me', remember -- but online shopping is different. I can do it at my desk, and only need a web browser. It's convenient and quick and involves technology. And if there are pictures of the merchandise, it's almost like surfing for porn -- what's not to like?
Maybe the long weekend upcoming will be a good time to belatedly put this birthday to rest. Otherwise, the cards might end up buried under all the crap on my desk, and I'd forget about them until 'spring cleaning' time. Or worse, until my next birthday rolls around in eleven months. I can't have that. If my family finds that I never cashed out cards from places like Amazon or AE, they'll get me one of those Bunny Slippers 'R Us cards for sure next year. And I don't look good in things that are fuzzy or pink. Let alone both.
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You no longer care to consume.
You have everything you really want. Everything you really need. You don't care to just buy crap for the sake of buying crap.
You're seriously screwed up.
You need help, man.