Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes
Site Search:

« Game Plans for Geezers | Main | There's No Bodies Like Show Bodies »

Mother Nature Can't Fool This Fool

Maybe it's time I started paying attention to the weather forecast.

Usually, I'm not so interested in what the meteorologists are blathering on about. If it rains, it rains. So I'll get a little wet going to the car -- big deal. If it's windy, it's windy. So my six dollar haircut looks a little more stupid than usual. Color me unfazed.

"Around October, Mother Nature is schizophrenic, unstable, and downright mean-spirited. And lately, that bitch has had my number."

But this is the time of year, and one part of the world, when the climate from day to day gets a little more variable than may be comfortable. In the summertime, Boston is cozy. Warm, breezy, and occasionally downright balmy. In the spring, it's 'brisk'. And in wintertime, New England is cold. Damned cold, and snowy and gusty -- but predictably cold, and that's important.

In the fall... well, in the fall, New England weather does whatever the hell it wants to do, often in the space of an hour. Around October, Mother Nature is schizophrenic, unstable, and downright mean-spirited. And lately, that bitch has had my number.

If I wear short sleeves, it's forty degrees and windy like a filibustering Congressman.

If I adjust and put on long sleeves, the sun beats hot and heavy like a pair of pimply teens in the back of a Pontiac.

Wore a hat? Gale-force winds. Shoe untied? Flash floods and six inches of mud. Holes in my socks? I wouldn't be surprised at a plague of locusts, so the little bastards could wriggle in there and gnaw at my kneecaps. The raindrops just keep falling on my head.

I only see two options here. First -- and preferably -- I could simply stay in the house for a few weeks. By mid-November, I'll know it's going to be six stupid degrees outside, and I can wear fourteen layers of clothes and a heated jock strap, accordingly.

Of course, it's unlikely I'd be able to finagle a six-week sabbatical from work to escape the weather. I've used most of my sick days already, staying home to catch up on TiVo shows when the recorder fills up. And I'm saving up vacation days for a Boston-to-Brooklyn pub crawl in the spring. That's three weeks of fun and twelve years off my life, if I do it right. And a blood transfusion and criminal record, if I do it wrong. Either way, it's all good.

But in the meantime, I'm stuck with my climatological conundrum. So I've decided to beat Mother Nature at her own game. If the weather looks nasty, I'll go out in a parka and mukluks -- but when the sun heats up, as it inevitably will, I'll be ready. I'll strip out of the winter clothes to reveal shorts and a T-shirt underneath, and stay nice and cool. If she goes the other way, baiting me with warmth and sunshine, I'll go along with it -- but I'll stuff a sweatshirt and long johns down my pants, too, just in case.

Whatever it takes, I'll do it. I'll hide a poncho in my pocket, a windbreaker in my wallet, and a sport coat in my Speedos. That ought to get the ladies talking. Just don't ask where I'm stashing that emergency umbrella. Better to just assume that I'm 'happy to see you'.

With a wardrobe and a half on my person, I should be well prepared for any weather the world whips out. I may look pretty foolish in the morning, but when the weather turns in the afternoon, I'll be the one having the last laugh. Just as long as that umbrella doesn't accidentally open. That'd get the old mukluks in a bunch, for certain.

Permalink | Comments (1)


Um, those wouldn't be leopard print Speedo's would they Charlie?

Post a comment

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Science:
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Me on Baseball:
  Bugs & Cranks

Me on Apartments:
  Author Page

Three Wee Tweets:
Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers (70)
A Doofus Is Me (203)
Articles 'n' Zines (74)
Audience Participation (35)
Awkward Conversations (176)
Bits About Blogging (168)
Bitter Old Man Rants (50)
Blasts from My Past (78)
Cars 'n' Drivers (60)
Dog Drivel (78)
Eek!Cards (267)
Foodstuff Fluff (116)
Fun with Words! (71)
Googlicious! (27)
Grooming Gaffes (88)
Just Life (238)
Loopy Lists (33)
Making Fun of Jerks (59)
Marketing Weenies (66)
Married and a Moron (185)
Miscellaneous Nonsense (62)
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig (84)
Sleep, and Lack Thereof (34)
TV & Movies & Games, O My! (101)
Tales from the Stage (74)
Tasty Beverages (29)
The Happy Homeowner (81)
Vacations 'n' Holidays (134)
Weird for the Sake of Weird (71)
Whither the Weather (40)
Wicked Pissah Bahstan (49)
Wide World o' Sports (124)
Work, Work, Work (206)

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass



Blogging Fusion Blog Directory


Listed on BlogShares

Top Blogs


Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved