Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
Site Search:
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

« What Would Miss Manners Say? | Main | What's Next, Dammit? Pager Spam? »

Man, You Should See My Reference Letters

So, as it turns out, there are certain things that you really don't want to say within earshot of your boss.

And, as luck and probable mental defect would have it, I think I've said most of those things to one or another boss I've had over the years. I'm just not very bright that way. Or my peripheral vision sucks, maybe. Something.

Anyway, you name it, and if it's embarrassing, dangerous and employment-threatening, then I've probably said it with the big cheese somewhere in the vicinity. Yes, all the hits are here, folks. There's the belligerent, bravado-backed lie:

'Yeah, I told him where to stick it. I told him to take his crap, roll it up like a big fat Kingston doobie, and ass-smoke that shit until... um, until... uh, uh-hmm. He's right behind me, isn't he? Dammit.'

Then, there's the ill-advised hooky admission:

'So, can you cover for me tomorrow? I got a tee time at nine-thirty, and I feel a cough coming on -- *cough kaff* -- if you know what I mean. And -- hey. What are you looking at over my shoulder, anyway? Oh, poop.'

Mostly, though, I get busted for just saying ridiculous crap when I probably shouldn't. You know, just like around here. Things like... oh, I don't know, how about:

'Now, normally, I wouldn't have kept yankin' on the thing. But I figured, hey -- sometimes you have to push the envelope, right? So I got a good grip, and -- what? Who's behind me? Aw, bitches.'

Or maybe:

'So by that point, all the tequila was gone. And we had one firecracker left. And the cat was asleep. So, of course, one thing led to another, and... um, the boss is where exactly? Ah. And she's been there for how long? I see. Ugh.'

Or even:

'Look! Look! It's like a gymboree in my pants! ...what? What? Where's everybody going? Hey!'

So yeah, I've had an awful lot of stern talking-tos from the boss. And often, the boss' boss. And the office psychologist. And the boss's wife. Not sure the boss' boss' wife has ever sat me down and shaken her head sadly at me, but it's possible that it's happened. It all starts to run together after a while.

Anyway... yeah. I don't know where the hell I was going with this. Something about work. And a gymboree in my pants. There's nothing good about any of that, is there? All right, I'm quitting while I'm behind.

I guess there's a bright side to all of this, though. With all the trouble I'm able to get into in person at the office, they probably wouldn't be overly shocked if they ever saw this site. After all, it's just more of the same ridiculous nonsense that I spout eight hours a day, forty hours a week, right there in front of them. Even when I don't know they're watching me. Meh.

Of course, I'd never be able to use that 'too sick to work but well enough to golf' trick. Maybe it's best if they don't find out about this whole 'blog' thing. I've got a new six-iron I've been meaning to try out.





Permalink | Comments (0)






Post a comment

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Science:
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Me on Baseball:
  Bugs & Cranks


Me on Apartments:
  Author Page


Three Wee Tweets:
Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers (70)
A Doofus Is Me (203)
Articles 'n' Zines (74)
Audience Participation (35)
Awkward Conversations (176)
Bits About Blogging (168)
Bitter Old Man Rants (50)
Blasts from My Past (78)
Cars 'n' Drivers (60)
Dog Drivel (78)
Eek!Cards (267)
Foodstuff Fluff (116)
Fun with Words! (71)
Googlicious! (27)
Grooming Gaffes (88)
Just Life (238)
Loopy Lists (33)
Making Fun of Jerks (59)
Marketing Weenies (66)
Married and a Moron (185)
Miscellaneous Nonsense (62)
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig (84)
Sleep, and Lack Thereof (34)
TV & Movies & Games, O My! (101)
Tales from the Stage (74)
Tasty Beverages (29)
The Happy Homeowner (81)
Vacations 'n' Holidays (134)
Weird for the Sake of Weird (71)
Whither the Weather (40)
Wicked Pissah Bahstan (49)
Wide World o' Sports (124)
Work, Work, Work (206)

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Listed on BlogShares

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved